A shopper is attempting to pay after what appears to have been a quick, spur-of-the-moment but otherwise harmless shopping spree. The "shopping cart" is loaded! It contains nearly 14.2Gigs of digi- snacks, Encarta-video add-ons, a 35-pack of "All Known Silent Movies Since 1909," a copy of "The Sound History of the Universe" containing the digital history of space reaching back to the Big Bang, etc. Included are many GIFs for family and friends. But wait--a commotion! There appears to be a problem!
Let's hear what's going on...
Sir, Madam, or--ahem--shall I say, valued Intelligent Shopping Agent (just in case it's another one of those damned shopping robots-- price, price, price is all they care about. Old-fashioned service means nothing to them and they show up at the oddest times), I'm very sorry but I must regretfully ask that you present an alternative form of payment. Our IEFT (Internet Electronic Funds Transfer) algorithm is denying acceptance of the Antigua DigiBuckeroos you have offered. (Besides that, it has signaled that at this very moment Buckeroos are being heavily discounted on CyberStreet and we need them like we need a 486/66 2mb!)
As you know, SuperDigiCrown relies heavily on the WorldBank Super PRAY (Primary Risk Analysis Yardstick) Model 4, Computer and it has (there but for the grace of God and a millisecond go we) just set a midnight (GMT) lockout on your DigiBucks. We apologize for any inconvenience! However, our continuous data feed indicates a rapidly rising incidence of three- and four-sigma conversion abnormalities at all 43 direct and 830 of 902 mirrored Buckeroo International clearing URLs. Apparently the market is rapidly evaporating for this currency type.
Furthermore, sophisticated correlation/regression calculations suggest a high probability that untraceable "rogue" DigiBuck certificates are again flooding the marketplace. At this very moment, in addition to your offer (undoubtedly valid, dear customer) there are hundreds of thousands of simultaneous exchange attempts occurring at Digital Content Provider (DCP) locations worldwide. (Got to be real careful here! This one is coming in with a loaded 400mhz 786 Pentium--two parallel Itels inside and flashing a RISC in clear view. This, combined with 232mb of ram and a 220xdata compression quadtwisted ISDN connection, indicates it might try to pull a fast one. Better stall 'em...)
Say, Shopper...do you know that swarms of identically configured, small-time, shop-'til-you-drop web-worms (maybe those recently reported missing from the Irvine Toshiba plant) are attempting a panic mass dumping of Buckeroos? (These spendthrifts are indiscriminately buying any information that has been digitized...and seem quite willing to pay whatever is asked, not even checking for an Intellectual Property Protection Release! They seem to sense that their currency charges are suddenly becoming worthless. Hmmmm...)
Effective immediately and until further notice: To avoid the possibility of further embarrassment to our customers (and to protect our own tails from overexposure) during the Buckeroo freeze, only DigiCash, CyberCash, NetChex, E-Cash, NexusBucks, First Virtual and, of course, MSWarbuck payment schemes will be accepted. However (since we do not wish to appear callous while putting it in our best cross-cultural fashion--NO WAY, JOSE!), we wish to ensure the satisfaction and continuing goodwill of each and every one of our 17,256,130 (since December 1995) customers and leave the lasting impression (at least two nanoseconds after whoever and whatever you are depart) that each of you is very special to us.
Therefore, since currency problems of this type are an expected risk of doing business on the WWW, we have established a seamless interface to a Full Service (no more than three reloads required), unaffiliated (our lawyers at CERN strongly advised it), fully insured (try to find the primary URL with a claim...when there are 13,750 mirrored sites), Universal Teller Site (UTS). It's only a mouse click away at:
http://www.CyberExchange.calm/sometimes/liquid.usually/goo dluck.always.html/
While you are arranging for an alternate payment method (and desperately recalculating your newly aligned net worth), our Netscape EC2000 system will be moving your Digital Content Packet (DCP) selections to our Optical Store/Forward Server for delivery. In addition you will soon discover that a "Crown" Link has been automatically added, as a no-charge convenience to our customers, to the top of the ECatalog section of your (most frequently used) bookmark file, and that your IP & email address have been collected for future unsolicited, but tastefully discreet, Sale Announcements! Fret not--we utilize Secure Socket Layer Protection on all transactions and we do not sell customer packet details without a digital signature on file.
Finally, please don't forget, "Crown" guarantees that your DCP transfer will begin not later than three seconds from the time we receive the CyberExchange "PRAY 4 Authentication" number, or your next 50mb or smaller SuperDigiCrown DCP is absolutely free! (Subject to Internet society tax everywhere; void where trying to be prohibited; not responsible for local or long distance line drops; in-route server transfer rates subject to overloaded packet switching surcharge; TIF files not recommended for cellular system routing; hard disk Data-Swamp liability limited to replacement of this specific Digital Content Packet only!)
Thanks again for shopping at SuperDigiCrown!! We hope you have enjoyed the wonderful world of Electronic Commerce. Good-bye (wav.75k)! And now our song (wav.250k)--Happy Iways to You...until we meet again...
The Next Morning:
Dennis and Vicki NetSurfer awake and, with great anticipation, check to see what their new "pet" personal shop-'til-you-drop robot worm has managed to bring home this time. Uh-oh! What's all this stuff? We paid how much?? Everybody knows it's tricky getting these rascals to perform just right. Oh well, it's a jungle out there and somebody just needs to develop a better GUI...that will lick it!!